It's Not Me, It's you.

An open letter to Rogers Communications, Inc.

Dear Rogers,

We need to talk.

Actually, no. I take that back. We don't need to talk. If anything, we need to be talking less.

It was really cute at the beginning of the relationship. Calling me every so often to make sure I was satisfied with your services, and that I was getting all I needed from my wireless provider. It was great. It was a breath of fresh air, particularly after my last relationship ended on such bad terms. I was hurt, and on the rebound. You made me feel special, Rogers. You made me feel like you actually cared.

But then, when I decided to go ahead and order home phone service from you, you went all Fatal Attraction on me. When I ordered my home phone installation, you told me you could do it on the very next business day. That was very sweet. And very uncharacteristically efficient. You called me twice the next day to confirm it. Then you called me twice the day before. And then you called me at 8am the day of. It was a nice gesture, but a little over the top. I hadn't talked to you in a while, so I just assumed you were making up for lost time.

But now, Rogers... it's clear to me that the behaviour you've been exhibiting is really just your needy, histrionic personality rearing its ugly head. I mean, really. You "forgot" to add my North American long distance plan to my home phone service, knowing that I would have to call you to correct the situation. That's a little creepers, Rogers.

Again this morning, a mere week later, you have called me again. THREE TIMES! It's only 10:15am! And I've only been awake since 7:30!

Wait. I stand corrected. You just called me yet again so I could rate my most recent experience with you. This has got to stop, Rogers. I seriously just need some space. I promise I won't cheat on you with Bell. You have nothing to be threatened by from them. They can't compete with you. But all this 5-alarm clingy business has got to stop. If we are going to be able to salvage any part of our professional relationship, you have got to lay off. I accepted your 5% bundle discount because, frankly, I wanted it, but you should not take that as a reason to keep calling me. And you can send me your free $10 pre-paid MasterCard if you want, but you cannot buy my love.

So please, Rogers. Just stop calling me. If and when I'm ready to talk to you, I will pick up the phone myself. But until that time comes, you can assume everything is fine.

Sincerely,
Chris Jones

P.S.
Stop offering me discounted cable! Have some self-respect for crying out loud!